guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
fr
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud