Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.