There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.