Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
LOL!
Incredible customer service.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now