my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′