WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
then why did i get this email
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.