It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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