I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
every college guy’s fridge
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals