It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
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the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime