Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”