“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I see your IQ test came back negative
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*