The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts