When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Something Saturday.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?