Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.