if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
How high do the levels go?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…