My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Human are so complicated
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.