Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.