People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
me irl
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
it’s finally my moment to shine
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
You know…for fall…
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this