WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.