My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*