Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
You Might Also Like
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing