Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
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Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Every time my phone rings
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints