A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”