i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
You Might Also Like
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.