your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.