Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’