Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Oh yeah that’s it
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.