Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.