Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
You Might Also Like
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.