tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”