[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Chemical wingman
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah