the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”