When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
yes… yes…
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]