*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
🚲+physics = winner
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.