I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.