Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
You Might Also Like
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
This rocks
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Lol
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I feel seen