Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
You Might Also Like
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
This is amazing.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest