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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.