My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.