I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.