My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.