Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*