Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You Might Also Like
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on