Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
That’s fair
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…