Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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Good morning!
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I know
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it