They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Every work call, he judges.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.