Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’ll be mad as hell!