If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.