Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
why am I working on Labor Day
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.