God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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not seeing the problem
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year